That Horrible Adventure with that Ham Demon
by shark333
Summary: Well, This my first fanfic. The idea came to me while watching the episode "Tak: The Hideous New Girl" and then everything just started falling into place. There's not much to say, so read on.


**Hello, I'm Shark. I'm finally here due to the pressuring from a certain **_**friend, **_**(-glares at Imp168-) so I am now here showing my very first fanfic (I mention that so you can take that into consideration before you begin to rant about all the mistakes I make. And trust me, there's going to be a lot of them). So there!**

**Disclaimer: Well, now think about it. If I owned Invader Zim, I wouldn't have to add a disclaimer now, do I? In fact, this story would probably be an actually episode. (Thank goodness it isn't!) I do not own invader Zim, for I am not a comedic genius. Jhonen Vasquez owns it. **

**And before we start the story, a little background might be in order. After watching "Tak the Hideous New Girl," (one of my favorite Invader Zim episodes) I was a little blown away with the scene that randomly placed us into a short battle with a ham demon. Although the usual randomness that is common in the series made me laugh, I still wondered, "Where the heck did that Ham Demon come from?" So after role-playing a tiny bit with Imp, I decided to make a fanfic about it. **

**Well, here goes:**

Chapter One

"Yes! It's going EXACTLY as planed. I'll have that fowl smelling beast eating out of my might fists in no time!"

Zim raced through the halls, running as fast as his stubby legs could carry him. His black boots echoed throughout the horrible "teaching-stuff" facility known to those pitiful humans as "Skool." Dodging his way through students congregating in the halls, he couldn't contain a wicked grin from spreading across his green face. There was _no way _that repulsive Earth-blob could resist now! He had the ultimate weapon.

In his gloved hand, Zim was clutching a soggy, brown paper bag. It was very moist at the bottom, considering it was heavily stained by coffee and ketchup. A strong, suffocating odor flowed through it, making Zim gag. But despite the fatal scent, he was still pleased with his prize. He had acquired it from a badly dressed hobo at the other side of the road, _guaranteed _to be irresistible to _any _Earth-females. And it only cost him his "squiggly-spooch" to get a hold on this special object.

"Heh heh heh! Stupid blob of skin!" Zim chuckled to himself. "A mere organ is NOTHING compared to a gift that will lead me into enslaving this giant dirt-ball!"

On the other side of the building, Tak slowly strode out of Ms. Bitter's classroom. After listening for two straight hours of insane ranting from a crazed old lady, she definitely wouldn't be in a good mood (assuming she ever HAD a good mood). She grumbled softly to herself, "This BETTER be worth it." All the sweat smelling children plodded along, hardly noticing her. The only thing that disrupted the awkwardness in the hallway was the heavy clunking of boots across the tiled floor. As the sound drew closer, Tak waited, for the time had to be perfect. Closer…closer… closer…BOOM! Tak shoved the door all the way open, just as a 3-foot figure running at full speed, rammed into it. She peered over the edge at her victim, a satisfied grin soon appeared. It was Zim.

On her way to class, Gaz slowly paced herself to glance at the ordeal that just took place. Zim was just a splattered splotch of green, groaning in pain and trying to regain feeling in his limbs. She gave a miniscule smile. It seemed to amuse her for the moment.

Tak stood there by Zim, just glancing as he struggled to get up. He groaned once again as he slowly rose to his feet. After a while, he shook his head, acting as if a doorknob hadn't been smacked into his eyes. He gave a displeasing look at Dib's sister before remembering his objective and turned back to face Tak.

"Despicable flesh beast!" He addressed her. "Give into my mighty-ness now, for Zim has already won. You might as well just bow to me as your forever leader!"

Annoyed, Tak just raised an eyebrow. "And how is that, Zim?"

Zim chuckled maniacally and reached down to grab his bag. "Because this time, I have obtained an offering so irresistible, that you'll _have_ to worship me!" He waited for her to cower in fear or show _any _sign of intimidation, but Tak only rolled her eyes in impatience.

"Look Zim, if it's another sewer rat than no thank you."

"It's even better!" he chimed in, but he then turned around for a second. "Although you were able to resist that rat."

Zim shoved his arm into the bag and pulled out his special item. "BEHOLD! The 'Sacred Scented Candle of Attraction'! Gaze upon its splendor and run towards its irresistible-" He paused to find the right word. "…-ness." It was a weenie. A ten-month-old, one-foot-long weenie, covered in heaven knows what, and a long, old wire coming out of it. Zim smirked triumphantly. It was only a matter of time.

Tak just stared at the gross thing, not knowing wither to burst out laughing and punch his lights out, or go barf in the corner from the awful smell. When the brown ooze started to drip from it, her gut instantly knew which option it wanted to go with. But her gagging was cut short from a squeal that rang out from the cafeteria.

It was that large-headed kid, Dib, screaming and scrambling to get away. Zim tensed a little bit as his archenemy ran in his direction, but he wasn't extremely worried. It was until he saw Gir chasing Dib from the cafeteria that he began to flip.

"Gir! GIR! You were supposed to be in the scented candle to interrogate for information!"

Gir, on the other hand, was unfazed by his master's yelling for he was more preoccupied with throwing globs of jelly at Dib. His little green dog-suit was exposed on his head. The flat top of his little, circular head was opened up like a can of tuna, and a little wooden catapult was shown spooning round "jelly missiles" from a large jar. Gir giggled at his new game. "Jelly tastes good on my toast!"

Dib (always having the urge to correct things) stopped abruptly and twisted his head. "But I'm not toast!"

Gir answered him with a sphere of heaved jelly aimed at his spacious head.

Zim, in his anger, chucked the drenched weenie at Tak and stormed up to his metallic stooge, growling. "GIR! As funny as this is YOU MUST STOP THIS AT ONCE!" He grabbed the ears of Gir's dog-suit and started to drag. "Let's get it _right _this time."

Tak had had enough of this. She glared at a kid who just _had _to open his locker near her at that precise moment, grabbed him, jammed the fowl smelling gift of offering in his mouth, and squeezed the poor kid's stomach hard. The weenie twirled through the hallway, revolving repeatedly like a huge, lethal boomerang. It swept Gir up in one swoop, and shot him into Zim, causing the duo to fly for a split second and sent them into the kids open locker.

Tak, tossing the kid aside as if he were nothing but a disposable tube of toothpaste, walked to the locker and slammed the door. Chuckling darkly, she headed for the nearby bathroom.

Miss Bitters, who had slithered out of nowhere, looked around at all the globs of jelly and destruction that took place. "WHO DID THIS? Who had the bright idea to trash this building and robbing us of precious jelly?" Immediately, every student who had stopped to watch the previous event unfold vanished, leaving behind the poor kid that had now been used as a successful "human machine-gun." Miss Biter's pointy eyes narrowed, and she snaked her way to the snot nose loser kid. Thrusting a cold, wrinkled finger at him she barked, "YOU! You did this! You are horrible. Go to the janitor's closet and clean it up!"

He just looked victimized.

Relief was painted on her face as Tak made her way through the narrow, disgusting bathroom "What idiots!" she grunted. "Idiots…all of them… especially Zim." A shiver of hatred trembled up her slender spine. Even the name made her furious. Pure, complete hatred filled up almost to her pores. Anything was prone to be destroyed at this point. One bathroom door swung open with a loud creak and immediately, she pounced on it. Wounding her fist into a tight ball she shot her arm into the annoying thing, causing a huge, rippling dent. After her little episode paused, Tak moved it a bit, seeing the reason behind the sound. It was a small girl, shivering and whimpering. Tak, for a nanosecond, gave a surprised look, but it was quickly replaced with a glare. Her violet eyes flashed a sliver of light and ordered as she shoved her hand into the direction of the toilet, "'Swirley. NOW!" The sniveling girl did as she was told.

The anger rush seemed to numb a bit and Tak just sighed. She shook her head, her blue hair swaying side to side. It was purely amazing that he couldn't sense that she was Irken, despite the fact that his appearance practically _screamed_ that he was unnatural. Just _shocking _that Zim hadn't been caught and dissected, being the idiot that he was. Mind-numbing that the only person that saw through his useless disguise was deemed insane and not worth the bother. It was luck. Tak bared her teeth together, her fists shaking with utter fury. That was what it was. Luck. Rage ran through her veins once more and she punched the door once more. Tak whirled around swiftly and began to claw at the sinks. Tear after tear, she damaged them and tore out the pipes, sending a whole group of rats to scurry away throughout the bathroom. She threw the debris on the tiled floor and huffed. That felt exceptionally good.

After the thrill of it all began to wane and she collected her thoughts, Tak pulled out her communication device. The tiny, flat at first registered static but it cleared itself out after a minute and a small, clean-cut robot appeared. Tak spoke to her robot, her voice controlled and serious. "Mimi, bring the ship around back. We have to hurry." The SIR unit gave an obedient nod and the static resumed. A loud rumble soon followed and a huge hole burst through the side of the bathroom wall. Mimi sat with the enormous interplanetary spacecraft, hovering overhead. Tak packed away her communicator, gracefully leaped into the cockpit, and the ship departed hastily.

And the little kid, having confused the girls' bathroom for the janitorial closet, had seen it all. He was left, wide-eyed and jaw-dropped. His mouth almost brushed against the floor.

A loud clanking rang through the hallways; well after the school hours had passed. Muffled and incomprehensible grumbling that softly echoed through the school followed the repetitive thumps. After a brief period of silence, the blows started up again, becoming faster and stronger. Finally, the door couldn't withstand the strikes any longer and gave up. This caused Zim, Gir, the weenie, and other assorted objects to plunge onto the floor. Writing utensils, books, folders, papers, plastic moose figurines, rubber chickens, empty soda cans, and a huge platypus suit scattered around the sizzling green alien and his SIR unit. Gasping for and squealing at the burning pain, Zim arose sharply from the miscellaneous items and chucked the weenie off of his scorched flesh. As it landed, brown, mucky juice splattered on Gir. But despite the mess he was in, he just started to giggle uncontrollably and began to roll around the floor, leaving a trail of ooze behind him. Zim just sat there fuming, not noticing his entertained sidekick. He had bigger things to worry about. He sat, questioning to himself.

"How is it possible that she refused my irresistible gift? How can she easily slip out of my clutches… of _**Zim's **_clutches? What is this girl's weapon? What allows her to possess immunity to my supreme existence?" He paused. "…And why am I asking myself questions when I obviously don't know the answers?"

Finally, his reality came back to him and he glanced stiffly at Gir, who was still rolling around and playing with the weenie "meat muck." Zim rose, pulled him up by his suit and pointed his fingers at that evil thing.

"GIR! I need you to get rid of this!"

His obnoxious robot quickly saluted him and opened his mouth wide open. A large vacuum shot out and inhaled that weenie into his "stomach." Gir than made a sour face and whimpered, "Uhh…. this weenie tastes of death."

Zim just waved his hand dismissively. "Never mind that. C'mon, we need to track down that DISGUSTING hobo-man to get my squiggly-spooch back, for the gift was WORTHLESS!" He prodded his way out the door while Gir bounced away to follow his master.

…**And there you go. Yeah, I know I have a lot of mistakes to work out but I'm actually quite proud of it. That's why I'm here to grow and become a better writer. I don't mind if you have suggestions to make my story look and sound better, but please don't be **_**too **_**harsh. Well, I hope that you enjoyed it and I'll upload the second chapter as soon as I can. **


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